~After the CALM,always come the STORM~

Now was my holiday break for semester 1 of my Uni...holiday juz for 2 weeks...but at least can make me happy..coz i can spend my times wif my family...even every weeks i go back to my home when study season...one week before the holiday,I was like...plz make the time fast..so i can feel the holiday freshness...but now...I know y my feeling keep hesitate me from thinking about holiday...

Coz...my holiday now like...i live in darkness...not even for one...i feel happy...

My heart break into pieces...I was like so excited and too much happy that i can go to the concert of my fav band..but...once i got home...after 3 days at home...my mom telling me that...sumthing really make my entire body stop...it was like so hard to accept...my mom said that i cant get PTPTN loan...which the only thing that can support my study for now...without that..it so hard for me to continue paying the fee for my Uni..

I dunno wat to say anymore..it so hard till i cant even explain or show it how my heart feel rite now...that time..i was like so selfish and dumb...askin my mom to gimme money so i can go shopping...but after knowing the fact i dun even get money to buy things..dun have money to pay my study fee..dun have money to pay hostel fee..and dun even have money to support my life in Uni....I understand how much i so far different than my frens in my Uni..they all so rich..even have some not so rich but at least their parents can support them...not like me...

It all started wif my own mistake...iI was late to apply for the PTPTN loan..i know..im dumb...slow and weak..cant even be mature and independent..always hope for someone lend me their hand....it so hurt that i knew it all my fault this thing come to critical time...even my parent fight juz bcoz of that PTPTN...I was like...wanna say sumthin..wanna ask sumthin..and wanna help if i can...but at the end..it juz like...I juz watching my parent suffering...how useless i am as a daughter....I feel hurt...juz bcoz of my fault..my parent must take all the risk and suffering..also sacrificing many things..JUZ BCOZ OF ME...it so pain...i dun even can settle the things...i juz like child who still like 10 years younger...cant do anythin....I feel so alone and empty...and this suffering..pain and hurt inside my heart became more bigger that i cant handle it anymore..i feel like...pray to GOD that plz lemme be the one suffering..not my parent...i can take all the blame..but plz dun hurt and make my parent in such way...im begging...i know this is challenges and obstacles in life that ALLAH gave to me...but..this scar juz getting more deeper..I feel like so useless..y cant i do everything by myself...till now...i feel like i lost in the dark place...that i hope someone bring the light of hope that can change me to someone that can make everyone proud of...but who and when...i juz cant let myself juz watch my parent like this...my mom and dad like so silent..dun wanna talk much like before...to each others...it hurt my feeling so much...JUZ BCOZ OF ME AGAIN...from baby..till now...how more pain must i give to them...how much more need they receive it....I cant endure my feeling now..i pretend happy and smiling..it was so fake...everytime i walk and talk to them...but my heart was like...no feeling...i want them to be like usual back..i begging and pray to ALLAH...please gimme the PTPTN loan..so i can change my parent face....i want them like the way they are...i still wanna achieve my dreams....i want to study...i want to smile and having fun wif my frens at my Uni...i want to make my parent proud of me...i want to make them happy by give them all the best from me....juz one thing i want now..juz PTPTN loan...plzzz..plzz and please......juz now i dun wan to think anything else juz this PTPTN loan...i nearly wanna give up..till got one time i wanna quit my Uni...i dun wanna study..i juz wanna work and help my parent...so i dun give them more suffering time... but i know...this is wat my parent want..they wan to see me success in my life...so i will not give up now..even for my future...till forever..i will try my best even sacrificing myself..juz to see my parent happiness...juz for them...for my family...and frens...forgive me...for nearly give up...i will give my best...coz i know...THE ONE WHO WILL NOT GIVE UP TO THE END WAS THE ONE WHO WILL GAIN HAPPINESS IN THEIR LIFE....i will face this challenges...i will not give up if i not try it yet....PTPTN..i wish so much..if only u can hear me..if only u can see me...if only u can read this....plz gimme chance to prove that i can do it in my life...gimme that chance to change every single mistakes that i have done...please....i dun wanna walk in empty and dark space again..no more...no more...!!

~True Tears~

woohoooooooooooooo..all my hardwork already paid....weeeeeeeeee~ im so happy and excited that i got already the redemption letter from geneses company....that letter prove that i already bought the ticket so I can go to the concert........warghhhhhhhhhhhh I feel like crying..this is so AWESOME...I suffered and sad for long time juz to get this...FINALLY....I gain what I want..thank u so much ALLAH..coz giving me such happiness in my life...at least now i know..i can be independent..even for lil bit..at least i tried my best to achieve wat i want...UKISS wait for me..i will 100% go there..weeeeeeeee kevin...~ I hope i will enjoy the concert and so on...hope nothin bad happen that can stop me from meeting them...sigh~ thanks again for everything...thanks to wan masyitah for company me again and again....muahxxxxxxxxxxxx syg ko wan..!!

~No one know~

I dunno y...lately..my heart feel really hurt...I dunno wat wrong...it like..i suddenly feel empty inside...I gave all my best...but at the end..it still the same..im tired doin sumthing that i already know the answer...but i was like so dumb...that i still let my heart to be hurt....

honestly...many times i said i wanna give up..but still i dun..coz i know..only those who will never give up till the end will gain happiness in their life...juz..i really feel like wanna give up now...dun u feel like that too? when sumthing that u tried really hard for it...sacrifice sumthing for it...but at the end...nothing happen...more badly...it give u more heart broken...even u say u will not give up till the end...deep inside ur heart..will u honestly say that u never ever think of giving up? that wat i feel all this time...and im tired of it...

These days...I gain so many happiness..but that happiness come wif so many challenges to get it...i tried my best...to achieve my own happiness..but...i realize...everytime i feel like dummy person...who always wanna try to attract things or someone..that dun even realize my exist in front of them...im tired getting hurt...im tired receive pain...im tired to get more scars...till now...i wish there was someone will comfort me...but i know..this is life...wat i wan is not impossible but hard to get...

now...even for lil things i can cry so hard...but before..i was so tough and confident when doin sumthin...but now...i was like..low..slow..sad...weak person...feel like..i dun wanna do anythin..juz wanna sit at one corner...and juz wif my imagination and fantasy world...who was always comfort me alone..when i feel upset....

no matter wat..I still try to be me...even I not mature...so wat!!?? I AM WHO I AM...who dun like me as who i am...so...GET OUT OF MY WAY..!! no one ask u to accept me and pretend to be good to me if ur heart was FAKE....!! for me...I will love peoples who appreciate the way I am as I appreciate and respect them for the way the are...is it not right??

~Light come to me~

I dunno how to describe my feelings now..it so happy...excited..shocked and a bit nervous... I feel so grateful that this year many happiness came to me...im so touched....

Finally,i can go to the concert that I want all this time..and I will not regret that I already bought the ticket...im so excited to go....but I know..."AFTER THE CALM...ALWAYS COME THE STORM"....so I dun wan to be more excited to the things that 50/50 sure...I really happy but i dun wan my happiness change to sadness...so I will try to calm down and settle the things slowly...I definitely will go to the concert..thanks a lot to my fren WAN MASYITAH...I really appreciate it so much that u will company me to go there...thank u very much...!! I really mean it....how lucky I am...

Sigh~ all i need to do now before the concert..is try my best in my final exam..I wish..my marks will be okay...im scare and so nervous...this is my first time exam in university....(>.<) and of course need to settle down my final assignments...warghhhhhhhhhhhh...so many assignment...!!

Wish i can face all the obstacles that come to me...I hope ...I will never give up till i try it...!!

YOSHHHHHHHHHHHHH...!!!!!! GANBATTE KAY...!!

Btw,SUJU new song is AWESOME...the dance so COOL...I get addicted to the song...but i still stick to mworago...ohohohoh...!! nice job suju...till now..all ur songs is great...!!

~Complicated Times~

aishhhhhhh...such a bad situation happen to me...these days...all went wrong...I thought this week gonna be best week coz dun have many class to attend..only two classes for this week...im so happy about it...but then...I feel so tension and stress coz of final assignments that I need to submit...I was like so lazy to do my MLA journal for media appreciation...i didnt sleep at all yesterday till now...so tired and exhausted...I know that it was my own fault coz not do it earlier..but then...well humans...have many feelings..so, I cant throw away my lazy feeling...lol...

Then while I trying to finish the MLA journal..someone disturb me...I not feel annoying when that person disturb me..juz im angry and really burn out...already to my limit...!! I cant stand it anymore...I really wanna help..but my help was like so hopeless...like no point at all...wat I said..didnt be accepted by that person..that person said he do...but I know the person dun..but wat more can I help...that person so stubborn...cant accept the fact...he said he do understand..but I still can see that person dun..!! im tired that i was like stone...my advices all for nothing...and that person dun even think about my situation..im so busy wif my assignment..im so moody,tension and stress that time..but then that person dun even understand my feeling..suddenly mad and angry wif me without any proper reasons...for all my help and things that I said to that person...was like nothing..im tired...that person dun even appreciate me..suddenly said dun wanna talk wif me anymore...but inside of me..that person already honestly cause me many troubles..but y...y I still listen to all that person problems..I dun even care that person disturb me..but by him..so easily wanna mad and ignore me like that...AM I LIKE PIECE OF TRASH TO U..??!! easily thrown away....if u really think me like that...no point I keep helping u...i was like nothing...im nothing....im so pissed off and angry...did u realize that??!! did u realize how I feel from before till now to U?! but y still i care about U....U dun even think and take care of other peoples heart...HONESTLY...im really sick of it...I feel so tiring and exhausted...now i dun care anymore...do wat u want...u treat me like this... I also have nothing to say anymore...nothing..!!

~Still About the Concert~

sigh~ this time i really made my decision..i really wanna go no matter wat...i feel so upset and depressed for many days...so sad that i scare i will miss it...
BUT...gladly..luckily...finally...got someone who can company me to the concert...thank u so much to WAN MASYITAH...i luv ya so much....!! thankies for company me...at least i got someone who can come wif me..made me so happy..juz now i only scare about how to buy the ticket..or maybe the ticket finish sold...(T^T) ohh plz no..gimme more hope...i really wanna go..i already found someone...plz..plz..and plz....i wish no more obstacles come....aishhhh....~

~Maybe Deep Inside My Heart~

yeah...maybe deep inside my heart..i still cant lie..that i still care about the concert..no matter how hard i try to erase it..and ignore or avoid it...i still wanna go to the concert...it pain and hurt..but i know..that is wat i want...y should i give up...even it take me to go alone...I WILL..!! no matter how many obstacles come to me..challenges come to me...hard time come to me..i STILL will go...if that wat i want..if that wat im waiting for..is that one of my dream...i will achieve it..even it take me to sacrifice sumthin...i will NEVER give up...if i give up now..how can i continue to achieve my future? i will not give up if im not try it yet...so..i wanna think more mature even peoples see me like childish person..so wat...if that my true person deep inside me..if THAT is ME...y should i change it..maybe my attitude or somewat need to change a bit..but not overall...so i will stick to my motto...i juz wanna be ME...only ME..only me can change ME...i still keep my motto till now that "TRUST YOUR HEART..IF U DUN TRUST UR HEART..HOW CAN U TRUST OTHER PEOPLES AND THE THINGS THAT U DO? U IS U...ONLY U CAN DECIDE UR ACTION NEXT.."

so..i still will go to he concert....weeeeeeeeeeee~ kevin oppa...wait for me..!!

"Only those who will never give up till the end is the one who will gain happiness in their life..."

~Light change to Tears~

I dunno how to describe my feeling now..it like so hurt...upset...I dunno wat to do...

My heart so to my soul...feel so damn excited and happy...maybe all my life..maybe for this year...and maybe for now..and for next month...that I feel so happy...I appreciate that this year so much happiness came to my life...I went to MMU..I met new sweet and so nice frens...many good things came to me..even many hard times and challenges came to me..but at least I can face it wif confidently...even got many times I nearly wanna give up...but I really wanna say thanks to all who support me all this times..everytime I wanna give up...my family and frens come to my mind...I appreciate it so much..i really mean it..thankies...~

2 months ago...I got special news that shocked me...I feel so excited...feel like wanna shout all my might...that my fav band from korean wanna come to malaysia...i thought it was juz a gossip or not very sure yet...but then..few weeks ago...it really...REALLY come true..they really wanna come here...my heart was like...OMG...is there can be any fantastic and wonderful than this news to me? I already wait for so long..that I wish...maybe at least...at least and at least one time..I wan any of my fav bands come to malaysia...and it really come true..last month..i dunno the exact date for it..my fav band super junior came here but then I cant go..coz it so expensive...and i was too late..plus suju have so many fans....so i already missed that one...that I really dun wanna miss this one..coming on 19 june...next month..ohh please..my heart already burst out...even the ticket is expensive..I dun think it so expensive for international band..it is but not so much..it quiet okay..I tried all i have to save money...but not like I dun eat anythin to save money...im so excited..that I can buy the ticket...but then...I juz need to wait for my cousin...I really need someone to company me...it feel a bit dangerous to go alone...even need to be independent but this is new era...now many problems..incidents...happen...so I really need someone at least to company me..unfortunately..my cousin can come..juz dun have money to buy the ticket..if I...IF I...rich...i already buy ticket for him..IF I...but unluckily only me can buy the ticket..so..I dunno..if my cousin can go or not...

My heart broke into pieces..i feel like wanna cry..I cant force my cousin to go..i cant force his mom to give him money...I wanna say thank u so much to his mom coz already gave green light but not money..I know..I really cant force peoples...I feel so hurt that everyone made me feel like dun go to the concert...juz waste money...the money can buy foods..or buy sumthin more necessary for u...but then...I juz feel like wanna ask them question back...."IS IT WRONG FOR ME...IS IT WRONG FOR ME...FOR AT LEAST...AND AT LEAST..TO RECEIVE HAPPINESS...EVEN FOR LIL BIT...IN MY LIFE..AT LEAST...FOR NOW...CAN U GIMME CHANCE..AT LEAST...FOR ONCE...IN MY LIFE..THAT I CAN FEEL THE HAPPINESS...EVEN FOR LIL...IS IT THAT TERRIBLE TO GAIN A LIL BIT HAPPINESS THAT CAN MAKE U SMILE AT LEAST AFTER U FEEL THE PAIN..IS IT THAT HARD?!"

I dun mad and angry at peoples who said that to me...they really say wat the truth...i didnt blame them..wat they said is true..but I juz wan them understand...if...IF this is my chance to go to concert..I never been to any concerts before..and IF this is my chance to grow up..be mature and independent by go to concert with my frens or someone and not my family..and IF this is my chance to learn how to pay by myself the ticket fee..is it that horrible?...If this experiences that I can get..is it wrong for me?is it wrong?IF peoples have sumthin that they love..they wan..and important to them...can I ask U...U dun wanna try ur best to get it?to achieve it?All peoples have their own dreams..IF this is one of my dreams...is it wrong for me to achieve it?is it wrong?is it?

Fever worse..!!

warghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...for two days im not coming to class coz of fever..!! sigh~
In the same time im trying to finish my assignment final project...soooooooooooo tired and exhausted...still have 40% more to finish...my head so dizzy...my body hurt...flu and cough...arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...!!!!!!!!!!!! hope i can finish it...ohhh plz gimme energy to finish it..at least for this final project..at least....(T^T)

Getting Addicted...!!

I juz realize that im getting addicted to Ukiss new song...ohh my..their new comeback so hot hot hot..!!they are so cute...first time I heard the song..it was like kinda normal..then I getting more obsessed with it..the dance steps sooooooooooooo nice...I need to admit it that I love KEVIN much much more now..he so adorable and cute...can't wait for this 19 JUNE..definitely and absolutely i will go..100% to the concert..wooohooooooooo..juz wait KEVIN oppa..(err actullay not oppa..but i hate to admit that I was older 5 DAYS...only 5 DAYS than kevin..I dun wan to admit that im older though than him..ahahhaha)...weeeeeeeeee~

I also getting addicted to 2PM without U new song...they are handsome...juz I dunno y...maybe it a trend now..but then...this 2PM guys luv to take off their cloth during the performance..LOL... but I LUV it...ohohohohoho...ehhhemmm ehemmmm..im not horny...but ohh well...im a girl...they also hot then...~