~Don't U Feel Shame?"

Urmmmm...how shud i start....ohh well...who care...i will juz say it...i mean type it...=.="

wat happen to this humanity..??arent u feel pity for animals?wat did they do to u till u kill them wif cruelty of urs...!!y u put ur blame on those poor animals...i know some of the animals are aggressive...but...wat they know...maybe they protecting themselves or their family...or maybe have something wrong....still...y u torture them like this world have no sympathy at all...

i hate this kind of people who dun even respect animals...those animals give u a FOOD...n HELPING u in human resources...dun they help u decreasing weight on ur shoulder...some of them can be ur lovely pet....how innocent they are compare to urs!!those animals have feelings also...they so pity...even they cant speak to u but they do understand u....dun u have heart?well u have BUT....no feelings at all...!!

know wat...i watched some videos of this evil n maniac....more straight forward...stupid/dumb/fool/idiot people who torture n kill the animals like the animals is a toy for them to satisfy their fun feeling....damn them...!! wat if the animals toying u around like that...do u like it?? do u REALLY like it?do u wan to feel how it is like to be in their position?!

dun u have manners?GOD created human wif full of feelings...to different shape good or bad things...a brain for u to think...not a brain for u to fooling...stupid of u....no shame at all...is it so nice to show wat u did to all people in this world...how monster u are...ohh no..maybe how DEMON u are...!!u cant even be call as a human not even a person...u more worse/terrible/horrible than those animals...ohh wait....better put this way....U NOT EVEN WORTH TO BE CALL A LIVING THING....!!

We live in this world with unity...human..animals...plants...maybe some mysterious living things...even non living things...if u destroy animals...juz imagine...without them..this place will be lonely...we juz see same thing each day....even now also..some of the animals nearly extinct...

please plant humanity inside of u...wat is ur problems by killing them wif no reasons....if they can curse u or genius to have brain as human...maybe they will treat u more worse ever than the way u treat them....i juz wish..we can live happily....this world not only u who live on it...everyone n everything have rite to live in their way....if they dun disturb u...y shud u? they done nothin wrong...if one day u in horrible time...and that time...this animals who u torture help u...save ur life....dun u feel really shame to urself...?

It worth even a single good and sincere things that u did to animals...sooner or later...u will get repay back....they appreciate n respect u as the way u did the same to them....even got many people live wif animals from before till now...no matter where...at least they trust n helping each others...y cant u?

"I admit it that sometime I pity on animal more than human..."

~Once before~

I still in my holiday mode...it kinda boring...though this is wat i want all this time...to have a time for resting..calm n fresh...but...so meaningless...im doin nothin...so horrible...im like vampire sleep so late n wake up in the evening...so worse but i need to admit it...i really luv my net line on midnight...it so fast compare to evening...geez..like turtle only....

Since i have nothin to do...i remember one thing...i luv the most....of coz drawing...it like for 1 year i didnt draw wat i luv...mostly i drew for my assignments....it like no point...that wat i wanna study but now i forget how to draw wat i luv n from my heart...

Yesterday i started to draw anime again...it feel like my whole life full of meaning n interesting..as i draw from deep of my heart...it feel comfort n something different...the most part that i wanna be in...n enjoy it...i feel like myself again like before....i looked back my old drawings....i missed so much...plus it gave me a bit inspiration....to make me wanna draw more....ohohoho...

I scare to draw yesterday...i scare that i cant draw like before...i scare my skill decrease...or vanish...coz i hardly move my hand...i scare when i see blank paper...i scare that i will never be good as before...But...soon i started to draw...n i finished it....it like....i feel so appreciate n proud to myself...i still can draw like i did before...my skill still there...well...like people always said...everything that u do from ur heart sincerely...the things will be precious....no matter how it looks like...if it from ur heart n u put all of ur feelings in it...it will be something meaningful...i believe that....

Here some of my old drawings....juz some spirit for me to move on in drawing...It not so perfect drawings...got some mistakes in it..but i enjoy drawing it...ehehe...XD

Thank You Mom

Today...i went out...searching for my mom present...as for tomorrow....her burday coming... thanks to my fren..Shahirah..for company me looking for present....im sorry coz take ur time so much...im too choosy when it come to buy sumthin precious....

I know...maybe my mom already knows y i went out today...it not like it obviously show...but...well....urmm...my mom a bit genius about find the truth...sigh...very difficult to keep a secret from her...still i tried to act as great as i can....

I wanna buy sumthin meaningful to my mom...but i dunno wat...sumthin that she can bring along or remember always....firstly i think about buying a dining set...as my mom said she want new set...but then...i cant find any nice one...so i change to buying a shirt..she can wear always...but no suit shirt also...then i wanna buy her maybe a gold silver bracelet...coz gold...i scare for her safety....well in this time now...many unexpected condition....too dangerous...if gold silver...maybe the safety % increase....ohohoohooh.....BUT...still...i cant decide...coz last mins...i think about buying her a watch...coz...she can wear it frequently....and when she stare at the watch...make her remember me n my sis...for the present on her b'day....well...as people say...that we shud buy sumthin meaningful that make the person always remember of us when they look at our gift...so that wat come to my mind...

I hope my mom luv the present....coz this is my first time buying her an expensive present since before...i bought her juz sumthin that i can afford...lol...but i think the most precious present for all mom in this world is that her children remember about her burday...isnt it?i admit it also that some mom luv gifts more...lol....

i wanna thanks my mom so much for taking care of me...luv me as much as she can...protect me...helping me whenever i need someone...be my shoulder everytime i feel depressed...n every single things that she sacrificed to make my life full of happiness....everyone in this world express their luv to their mom in many ways...so maybe i wish...this luv reach to my mom...as i can say...my mom always be there for me...n u're the best mom in my life....i appreciate everything that u did to me....luv ya forever mom...!! may GOD bless u...n may all ur dreams come true...!!

HAPPY BURDAY MOM...!! LUV YA...!!

Holiday

well...it holiday now for me...yesterday was my last exam for foundation...time move so fast..now i will move to degree...but...i feel something uncomfortable....maybe im scare of my marks later...well if my marks drop..how can i choose my fav course....sigh~

beside...i need to apply for loan also...hurmmm...im not that rich to pay straight away...plus...dun wanna troubles my parent anymore..

this is life...sometime happy...sometime sad...but we never try to appreciate everything...same to me...i always blame on something when i in harsh position or something trouble me...everyone did that...put ur weight on others...coz dun wanna pain go through u...unfortunately...it always come to u...no matter how hard or how genius u ar to push it back...

i admit is...past year...it been horrible year for me...but it is some memories already been created by me...in those terrible times we learn to manage our life forward....

this year....it still new...so...no comment for now...but still harsh n challenging time never left u...i will try my best...i dun wanna put so much hope in this year....but try my best to the end...

in this holiday....hope my frens enjoy n have a great holiday....wish them happy....luv ya guys... n luv my family too...i will create something meaningful in this holiday...i will try...though it seem boring for starting...sighhhhhhhhhhh~

~True story about Hurt~

"As I hope that i will never be in hurt position...But i know it is impossible for me to stop it from flows to me...As I realize this is the First Hurt that I feel the scars left forever...Among the others..this is the most horrible hurt i ever get..."

This is a story about...well honestly...it is me...story about game world..maybe for some people it juz simple n ridiculous things..juz for a game i feel so hurt?..it is..coz it not juz a game..it about luv for frens..a sweet relationship..i told this story to some of my frens n family....n i appreciate that they at least lend their ears to hear it....thanks...

It happen 4 years ago....as i play a game call wonderland online...it still exist till now...i still luv the game...coz of that incident...i hate to play it...wat i know is...i juz luv to play it before...as it cheer me up...my cousin gave the game to me....it is awesome...but..there is a story inside that game...between this two sweet frens...as i easily get bored...i walked around in the game...search sumthin to make me feel fun...then come this one guy...suddenly greet me...at first time..i was like...wat??i juz lazy to chat..usually im talkative in game...but that day a bit moody...he keep chatting as his hand dun feel tired at all from typing..=.="

At the end...he add me as fren...i juz approved it since...i wan more fren....at first time...i dun like him..coz he wayyyyyyyy too disturbing...annoying....everytime i on...always buzz me...geez he no life at all...obviously can see he new in there n have no fren yet..so im the one his first fren that can be chat..or a bit frenly…it really annoys me at first sight…I think about..wanna delete him as fren…BUT…as time goes by…I found that he is interesting…caring n loving…so frenly..always helping others…n I feel comfortable wif him…everytime I on…I always go play wif him..chat..it like in that game we ar the happiest people ever….whenever I have probs…he help me…we helping each other….he even creating a guild(which is a team u go for war in game) for me….coz I asked him before y dun he create a guild..then he created one now…I feel weird y creating guild suddenly if he dun feel like one…he said coz of me…n he wan me to be his partner in the guild…im so happy…he really a sweet fren in game…

Unfortunately…whenever calm reach us..always be a storm after that..I cant on the game…coz have errors…I feel so sad cant play wif him…he even waited for me to on…yet I still not on…after like 4 months..I can on back…I feel so excited n happy…I wish he still play…n my wish come true..he is still there…I chat wif him…but he dun seem like the one I know before…he change a bit…he too quiet…n always busy..when I asked him y he like that…he said coz of me…coz I not on for long time..he have no frens…I know he have some…but he said he feel more comfort wif me..in that time I feel like…so appreciated…happy…he still think about me…then after that we play like we used to be before…but…it doesn’t feel like we used to be before…he so quiet…n he seem busy always…seldom play wif me…if I call him..he come..but juz like no feeling at all…

In that year I played…it was the year im taking my biggest exam in my life that my marks will effect which university I will go on study…so I need to stop playing n study…for the exam…again…I need to be separate wif him…like the 4 months before…I told him…I will not be in game for 2 months…then I will on again later…he was like…a bit sad…but he dun even seem like care anymore…he do but not so much like before…I asked him a request…that in that 2 months..i hope he will send me many msg in my inbox…so when I on back..i can read all his msg…which mean I hope that he always remember me…coz I dun wan him to change like after the 4 months..after that day….i stop played…then continue study..exams…

20 Nov 2008….I still in my exams time..but that day dun have exam..im so lucky coz that day also my burday…so I wanna on the game awhile..juz for awhile to meet him…see if he send me any msg..coz it my burday…at least..meet him will be a burday gift for me..i feel so excited n happy that can meet him again…BUT…when I on…he not on…im searching for him..if he on his other chacs...but he not..i met his sis in game…I know his sis…his sis is luvly…n kind…I asked her…where her bro..then she said…he not play so much anymore the game..i shocked…I understand that..maybe he busy…in real life…I didn’t force him to play always…but then…it was horrible day ever…he not on…n the most shocked me is that he dun even send me any msg since I was gone in that 1 month and half…no msg at all from him in my box…”not even one…”…n his guild…im not the one his partner anymore…I was like..juz a member in the guild…n it like he totally ignore me…it kind of hurt…the one I hope the most can make me happy in my burday time…it like completely forgot me..

When i realize…do our frenship juz kind of LIE?wat we did together juz a memories to him?when he said he created guild for me…is it really coz of me?when he said he quiet coz of me…no frens at all…only me also a lie?...it hurt me…coz I trust him…he d one I feel like the game I play worth…coz I wish in game there will be someone can be a sweet n real fren of mine…but now…it all a lie…I was like…offline the game…n juz continue my life…I cried that day…hardly sleep that nite…coz on my burday…we completely a stranger from before…I shud never met him in first place…I shud delete him that day from my sight..

Maybe this seem like normal for other people…im weird n crazy coz…this story not so tragic that can effect people to be so hurt…but for me is dif…coz this is my first time..i found sweet fren in game that can cheer my day…everyday..as my life so tension n stress..he d one change my mind….made me relax n calm…now all juz a memories..

Bitter memories..if that so normal…not so hurt…there is special story..continue from it..which…after that day…I dun even touch that game as I hate it so much…dun even care d game..But…obviously shown that I still do wanna meet him..asking where n y n wat happen to him..i still care even I hate him…I try to on…even I dun wan…I use excuses that I juz on the game to see wat new in the game…but in my heart..i wanna see him for at least last time…im so dumb…shud never on the game again…know wat happen?he change to pro game people in the game..as his level so high from before..n he DELETE me from fren…is this not hurt enuff? Delete?dun it seem like…completely vanishing me?am I that easy to him?juz a fren coming n a fren destroying?know wat?I definitely hate him so much as I couldn’t say by words that he totally nut..!!his sis said he seldom play…is lvl that high seem SELDOM play..?!from that day..i completely shut him from my mind n heart…I dun even wanna know about him…he die also I dun care…treated me that way…hurt me many times..im so HATE him..!

Want more hurt?i play the game again now..after 1 year n half..coz I curios to know about the game..not him anymore..n helping my cousin in the game….know wat again?when I enjoy selling things in the game…got one msg came…the msg showing… “ohh..u still play this game…still remember me?”…wat a life n wat a coincidence time..i was like DAMN..!...if I juz can say no…I dun remember u…who ar u STRANGER…!..but I cant…maybe im too kind…make me so dumb… I juz replied… "hye…yeah..” only that..coz i really dun wanna chat wif him..i was like..dun reply again..if u dun wan be in that position where I will kill u…but guess wat..he still replying…was like “I miss u…(with cute smiling icon)”…at that time..i juz wanna shoot him dead…NO..maybe torture him like hell..as if he can feel wat my heart feel those past 2 years..!!...i was like who miss u crazy…!!but still im too kind n soft..that I replied.. “owhhh…(and smile icon)”..then he not replied back..i was like so glad…if not I surely yell at him n tell him wat I feel..hurmmmm if I really can…I hate myself for not telling him the truth that I hate him now…I juz wishing maybe he reply sorry…or kind of..but no…such a person..heartless…then from that moment…I juz think him as a stranger…goodbye to him..and hello new life…

As for now…I played Blackoutro…the game I luv the most…coz..i had sweet family n frens inside there..still keep in touch like nearly 2 years now…so good n much better than him..i juz hope that this family will always be together wif me…they the one heal my heart…that change my mind…I still have reason to play games…for fun..n enjoy..also creating new relation…I know not all perfect..so maybe that juz some of my bitter memories…I kept it..so nothing will be the same again..

Im thinking about quiting online game forever..coz of my family in Blackoutro…I still continue play…thankies guys..luv ya….

Well..The end of my story that hurt me the most..At least story from deep in my heart..i wanna share…wif those who be in this kind of hurt position…it not juz game..from it..u can create some relationship..some people said it a game...frens inside it..then later ignore..forget...or wat wat...but i do have the prove it is not like u think..my game family till now in good relation...2 years..game brother in another game which i played 3 years before still keep in touch wif me now..dun this seem like game is good?at least it show from it u can learn new things..making new things...not juz for fun..got people who married after they meet each others in game n fall in luv.. that news doesnt change anything to u...?well for my opinion..games have advantages n disadvantages..only u shud know how to different shape it..dun judge it bad as u dun even try it...

(maybe im not satisfied yet...juz wanna plus some more...about him..coz i skip...or forgot to type...coz too much drama while typing...sigh~ ..first when we met..he lower lvl than me..so im the one pro than him..teach him many things...as like he my junior...after that 4 months...he more high lvl than me...second...after he creating the guild thing...n about no frens..only me he comfort wif...such a liar...he do have a LOT of frens..same country wif him...n even ignore me n busy juz to have fun wif his frens...more liar...!! third...about the miss2 thing...damn him..not even once he miss me..can see that...obviously...fourth...he completely forgot me after became pro gamer...n only frens wif high lvl people...fifth he younger than me one year..like my lil bro only...but treat me as his sis badly..damn him..!!...fuhhhhhh...done...totally all of it...he NUT..!!)

“Hurt cant be destroy same as sadness..it part of u…the one that teach u to be U now…accept it…as it can change to the most memorable n sweetest memories in ur life…”

Hurt?

wat u know about hurt?

some people say...only those who already experience it will understand deeply about hurt...but is it true?well majority is yes...can anyone say they not at all been effected by hurt feeling?not even for a little...?if have then that person is weird...impossible...

as we know..hurt is sumthin that we really dun wan it to be part of us...once u get hurt...the scars stick wif u....it hard to get rid of it...unless u had experience it a lot...u know how to endure n cover it....good for people that can be in that way..but most of people hard to be out of hurt...

do hurt effect u so much?

for me it is....i dunno about others....but i know almost all people will be effected....hurt always be relate wif love....kind of....many of it come from love life....maybe not for couple...maybe for frens n family...or even can also be animals....plants....

hurt coz of love...betrayal...greedy...evil influences...and of coz much more....not all people easy to speak out their hurt feeling....they hide it....and begin to get stronger...n at the end...the limit blow...then some of them will think about end of their life or...get mental effect...or be quarantine alone...dun wan other to disturb...or changing in attitude...

Sadly Change

I know everyone change day by day..time by time...as this life goes on...from baby to elder...life changing...attitude..characteristic...social...economy n so on...

I scare those day will come...but i know...i cant stop it from changing...i know it is good and some can be bad...i hate to admit it...i hate changing...i know for some reason change can be the best thing in my life...but who knows...it can be the worse thing ever...well i cant destroy the fact....

some people told me dun change urself...keep the way u are...as u move on to university life...juz be who u are...dun get influence by others...example....if i dun like shopping...dun easily get attract by others asking u to go shopping often....i know...it still change a bit....from dislike to like shopping...it is change a bit of me...i know...but i admit it that it also the best...it a good change...at least from shopping i know some of knowledge about things...beside i also learn to go out..not only stay at home...i need to interact wif people...be in the position of crowd...know how to be independent...know how to be adventuring...so... change is good in here...it not mean if i change one thing it will change all of me...

Unfortunately....i still hate a bit changing...it is hurt to see people that we love change slowly..as time goes by...we completely dunno them anymore...at all...one by one of them change in front of me...but i didnt say that i not change a bit...i do change...same as them...but still inside of me i keep the one I am before....i dun wanna change that...

it is pain..so sad if u can imagine....one person say...dun change...always keep in touch wif me...dun forget me...keep anything i gave to u closely n wif love...n when u find new fren...or new life...always remember me...when u have time...we can go out together...enjoy the day....

BUT....at the end... they say they hurt seeing something be replace of their gift to me...hate seeing me wif new things...but wat wif them?? they cant hide the truth...they also have new things in life...have new things to love...have new interest....so to me....

they say they hate n disappointed if i luv my new frens gift more than their gift to me....

BUT...will i ask them if they DUN luv the gift that their new frens gave to them??? can u 100% say u hate the gift that ur NEW fren gave to u??no rite...? RIGHT? as u know...deep inside me...watever gift that i get from my frens n family...for ur information...as u can know.... i still keep it till now...in my closet..or beside me as i sleep together...doesnt mean if i play more or carry my new frens gift always mean i hate ur gift or ignore or throw ur gift already....i KEEP it...coz i still LOVE it...as it from my FREN....that i CARE about...plz....as u said im always childish thinking...dun THIS seem immature to u now??who the one not yet mature now?

I luv my fren...i luv my family...i luv whoever love me sincerely....i keep everything that i luv in my heart...doesnt mean i didnt show it...i will ignore or push it away...i know im not perfect enuff to be perfect fren that can make perfect things to make u feel perfect...coz i am human that can never be perfect as in this world no one perfect....all people have weakness...disadvantages...

plz dun run from it....it is part of u....so i wan change to sumthing good...but i still be who i am... if u say im change...maybe a bit...as the surrounding effect me..but same to u....doenst this atmosphere change u?

STILL..i hate change since before...but...now...some changes is good to me....for some reasons..

"Does not mean I change one thing from me can change completely all of me..."

New Tears

again...and again...i didnt update blog so often...i only remember about blog when im in sad condition...as blog can make me release my feeling...i cant speak it out...so maybe type better...

im easily feel sad..or hurt...lately...im not like im used to be before...full of confident n spirit...now im obviously not myself anymore...im not me that i want before...i know this seem bored n crazy to anyone who read this coz i always repeat the same thing which always sad..hurt..pain...or wat wat....but we all have heart...at least i know that i can feel hurt...that i can be hurt...that i can hurt someone...that wat i think..all people deserve to speak wat in their heart...
maybe not physically maybe through this..not all people have that kind of courage...like me...i scare to let sumthin out to other people...it like...so burn inside..yet...still im so hard like stone to say...speechless...i want to..i do...really really want so much to tell people wat i feel now...or from before...but i cant...all this time i juz show it through my drawings...listening to music n playing piano...only my drawing n piano understand the deep within me.... maybe wif those i can be myself once...i know im drawing from my heart...that y i luv drawing...n the reason i wanna draw...and also wif piano..whenever i play...it follow wat my heart flow to...make my hand move freely as i be in the music...it calm n cheering....

different people..different way to release their feeling...but only one thing i know is...everyone want something to hear wat they wanna say or place to express it...as for people...they do understand outside but not inside...they comfort us...but they cant heal inside...only our own self desire...that wat people try to search....find something that can be understand inside...but wat? same to me...human never get satisfy wif sumthin...all our life...we always search n looking for sumthin we want..we never stop until we give up completely or die...that wat people will do when they find no other way to solve their problems...i do feel the same...but i dun even think about die...i juz think about give up everything...sometime i asked myself...if i cant do this y shud i be in this world...im so lucky to be in this world but im easily give up on sumthin....i tried from before to find sumthin that can wake me up from my dreams...help me to catch my dreams that i want...all this time i do wat i luv n wat i want..but not giving all of me...it like my body move it...but my soul flying somewhere...

I juz hope that maybe..or at least i can be myself...try to understand myself...have a great confident in myself...build something in myself different than before...let me once before out to take my place now...im tired...i really am...


"Even light always come to reach me..Yet still I'm the one will covered with tears.. Light dancing happily around me..But the one take control of me completely tears..."