Appreciated

Thanks to those who supported me all this time...sorry coz until now only i thank u all...thanks for being in my life till now...i really appreciate it...

im so happy along those hard days...u guys always there for me..many thanks...sorry for troubles u guys a lots...the stress n tension from past days...really change myself..

try to be something new...like u guys said n advice me...thanks a lot...no more weakness...i am who i am...dun care about something that dun give any benefits to me...n appreciate those that really priceless to me... :D

like my quote once before.."i will love those who can touch my heart n accept me as the way i am as i accept u as the way u are.."...thanks for everything...i mean it...luv ya guys... :D

new sem coming...not yet ready...=.=" take care all..have nice holiday... even i rest i still feel stress...=.="

ano...horidei wa..zettai ni...ganbarimasu...ima kara...honto ni..akirame jyanai...atashi no kazoku wa tomodachi to...daisuki dayo....datte...minna wa atashi no taisetsuna hito desu...ahahhaha..

(feel free to visit my other blog for those who know...coz more things on there than here...i luv my other blog more...ohohoho... ) :)

That was Relieved

Dunno how to explain..but it really something that made me feel so calm...after been through so much...well...gud job for me...kinda...feel so high spirit n confident...that was totally wicked..!! after so much troubles...so cool n awesome....throwing away all the stress n tension...at the end...even not so ok...at least it really work out....

Will explain more details about this to my another blog....for those who knows....

Lastly

im totally heartless...now i dun even care wat happen to u after this...after wat u done to me...anything u want...anything..n i dun care..i dun mind...follow ur desire...

juz one more things i wanna say..if im 100% wanna be mean n cruel...i already become one...n not juz bad words i show or say....even bad things i will...yea...will done...but coz u being precious person in my life...i still considered...at least my words is softer n better than urs...at least i didnt say bad words to others that hurt that person badly...at least i didnt being mean or cruel like wat u did...at least i still care....at least im not breaking promised that i did to someone...at least when im madly angry i didnt put the blame or hurt someone....

u wan me to be heartless now...fine..i became one already...go ur way...from this day on...anything u want...! I DUN CARE...!! these past 5 years ar nothing to u...compare to flirty thing u said..wateva....! im a whore...bitch or watever...i dun care anymore...as long i know it not my fault...!! obviously can see who wrong...even u said im pretend to be innocent n wat so ever....~ i guess being ur fren those past year never realize u how my attitude is...instead u put me in worse position...fine...!!

It so clearly that the guy not love u...u may not know...but i know...u dunno wat i did to stop ur heart from hurt anymore..i know u already took ur couple game as real life matter...i tried many things to help u not to fall again for the same mistakes...yet u said im flirty..im so close to him..tried to steal away ur BF....didnt u see...he not ur real BF...realize it...im not being mean...but u may not know wat i know...which i cant tell u...i scare n dun dare to let u hurt more longer...i observed every single things u n him did...even u didnt tell me wat u both doing..i know wat happen...u did the same things again n again...u promised me yet u broke it...u said never fall for guys easily anymore...u will follow wat i say....u said u feel regret for trusting n wait for rob... but now...there u go again...it like...i tried my best to help n protect u for doin same thing again..but u never see wat i did n feel about u...for u...im ignore n trying to steal ur BF..it so hurt u didnt realize my true feelings....I can see it obviously this time...which u will not gonna make it for the guy...i tried so much...anything possible...if i can stop it from become more worse...im so disappointed everytime u called me bad things which i tried many things to help u before...u never know...it hurt...when u try to make the person believe n see wat u doin for them yet u get nothing....even being called bad things....

Now...if u wan me to feel wrong...n realize it my fault..anything u wan..u wan me to accept it rite...fine..i accept it...! at least i take it...n no bad words include....at least i not counter back....n lastly...only this part...sorry to say....at least im NOT...a JERK like u treat n insult her own fren that kind of way....yea i said bad word now...i learned it...from ur way...i realize being soft only make u misunderstood of me....guess being bad is more easy than being good...it hurt badly to be this way to prove u that I still luv u....yea...after wat u said n insult me deeply...i still luv u...i guess express this maybe cant change ur heart straight away...yet for me...i still preciously keep our memories n forever luv u for being my fren....no matter how much u hate me after this...i still luv u...

Hoping for Something that Impossible

Being treated badly...misunderstood n being said that u really a bad kind of person....it kinda hurt....for a best fren to said that to u....

She may not realize it...n may not know it...i put her first on all things....but she blind by her jealousy so badly...bcoz of her unfair life...i understand...i get it....n i do care about it...but how..n wat can i do to explain more to her...since the last time she broke my heart many times...I tried being beside her n care for her..try to love n protect her...I wan her to see...if her life so unfair..it ok..she still have me wif her...even i no help so much..i didnt give a happy things so much..cant cheer her so much...but i juz hope she see me..n wat i did to her..being wif her is enuff as long i know she still have me..but she never realize that...

She promised me..will be good later..will change..n never be fall toward softly n kind words from guys...after wat happen to her....yet...she still trapped by her own feeling...she so stubborn n put her angry first other than accepting wat people wan say to her...she said im lecture to her...she said my words is crap...n worthless..i juz talk nonsense...it hurt me deeply...but i still take it..coz i know she still sad n depressed..i understand..still..i be wif her...if she still wan me..we fight n argue a lot....but that first time for biggest fight we had...i warned her many times...dun trust n follow also fall easily for guys sweet mouth...not all guys is nice n kind...some ar lying n taking advantages to her...i can see it clearly..but not her....coz she in love..i know..when someone deeply in love...u dun even take the bad words other people say about ur partner...n then she mad at me...i accept that...still accept that...i understand....n still...i care for u...but then u cried n come to me..said u regret for not taking my advices...know wat i feel..i feel pity that u keep hurting urself...without realizing im there for u..yet u still believe the guy words...n even couple back without i know...u keep many secret from me...

U said all im saying is nonsense..which part?maybe u rite... i said out of topic...but i show u wat i feel...that i wan u to realize...all this time...i dun care if u hurt coz of them...yet u still have me..but wat u said...u juz put ur madness first instead of our frenship....u said i dun care for u...u dunno wat i did behind u..which i tried many things to make u happy n cheer up...i try to control everything...i dun wan u to be hurt more...but wat u did..keep blaming on me...

u found new guy....i tried to warn u again...but wat u did...u angry wif me being so close to him..i jzu being fren to him...like u dunno how my attitude is...i treat others equally...i maybe playing joke n so on...like u said im flirt wif him....n put all blame on me...like it so worse that all my fault...n said i disturb only guy that close to u...from this part i already see hatred in ur heart for me..not luv being fren for me...it not like i really mean it..u know i dun interested in luv thing..u still take it serious...when i sit beside him..u angry..i move away..i understand..but dun u see im hurt badly..everytime u push me away coz of guy? last time u did the same coz of guy...u push me away..u angry n yell at me..even saying bad things to me...u never did that before to me..dun u realize it hurt so much that u treated me that way...coz of guy...our frenship destroy...then u said..it ok..u n me still fren...do u know wat i feel that time...i the one shud said that....it pain inside...

I be patient for everything u did to me...scold me..treated me badly...angry wif me..i accept as long ur angryness cool down...as long u happy n cheer up...hurt me it ok...but i juz wan u to realize...dun blind by love...i maybe not in ur position..i dunno how u feel..i dunno how much scars n pains u been through..but wat i know..seeing u hurt badly..made me hurt too...when i think back..i met a sweet girl...before so strong n confident in herself..always wif me all the time..no guy interfere...frens..caring n loving..now all destroy straight away...blown away juz like that coz of ur jealousy n unsatisfy feeling...

Now u did again to me...n this time it really really n really hurt deeply that i dun even know wat to say....u said me a whore...dun u realize that word is so HURT...it like im a person who totally n freakingly suck...how bad the word is to me...n it like tearing all my soul away after u said that..u never even said bad things after the first big fight between u n me...then u did again...this time it really pissed me off...im so angry that u broke my heart badly...all about ur feeling..u didnt see mine...u didnt realize my scars that i got from patiently be beside u....all the blame n yell that i took from u...i kept it...n dun even dare to hurt u more...yet...u dun even wanna know my feeling...u made me really worthless now...pointless being ur fren that u dun appreciate me...u blind by every jealousy of urs...u put ur unfair life first n didnt see a little hope n happiness waiting beside u....which i always be there for u...yet u treatme that way...u dun even realize how badly this time u kill my heart...u dun even wanna hear my explanation..for u my explanation is excuses..lie...n fake...fine..anything u think..but seriously n honestly..u made me heartless this time...i tried to not interfere ur luv life anymore..n try to be good n better fren...yet...wat i get now...broken trust n broken heart....

U said like I put all blame on u...which part?tell me...u said I'm wrong...fine..for ur perception...i accept it again n again....i took the blame...but do u realize how hurt it is...u make like ur blame is my blame...u change everything to be more worse...i tried take the blame so i dun wan fight wif u more longer or break our frenship...yet...u did the same thing....fine im wrong..juz put the blame on me..as long that can satisfy u....i know when i said this u more angry...like u really the guilty one..im the innocent one...but for my side..i dun see i put all blame on u...i juz wan u to realize that all...if i really blame u..long time before i already fight n say bad things or totally did something horrible to u...but y didnt i?coz i still care...even a single worse things can break our frenship..i dun wan that....but yet...it still remain the same...im tired....tired waiting for u to come back like before...

I see that me as ur fren is juz a fren call fren....u dun appreciate n realize wat i did n y i be patient beside u all this time...if i can..i already totally ignore u from before...but y i didnt?even u know y...i dun even wan u to have scars anymore n try to bring happiness even a little...appreciate n try to understand ur wound....i luv u as my best fren...u stay wif me all this time...having sweet memories wif me till now.....miss ur joke..ur smile..n ur cheer....i know..if u read this..u will said..u not the same u anymore..u change coz ur unfair life....but..tell me..which life doesnt have up n down...which life always perfect.....any prove that no one even feel hurt in their life....?juz the different is how bad the hurt is....how bad situation u in....but doesnt mean u need to give up...i told u many times....all obstacles in ur life will change to ur happiness later if u patiently wait n be strong....

I cried...I stunned...I shocked...I hurt....I dun regret met n being fren wif u...i appreciate every single things we been through together...but..i disappointed in wat u did to me...words sometime can destroy everything....hope u understand wat i wanna tell u...i wan us to be like before...now i guess everything is impossible....since this heart feel like already been betrayed....so much deeply it cant be explain by words anymore...

U feel like losing everything in ur life...Now..in this moment...U already lost one of ur best fren that care n luv u so much....No matter how hard n worse it is...I still luv u as my fren through this years...thanks for everything...n may ur life be like wat u want....take care....

More Paths

Walk to this road...u will meet this kind of things....Walk to another road...u will get that kind of things...

Being in the state where u need to choose for ur own good...or sumthin that important to u... not so easy....killing inside ur heart which u know it cant be chosen..which the result at the end is still the same...

Putting urself at the middle of the busy road...hoping someone come to save u.... yet it not that easy...

For choosing this side...u will regret for another side...the same thing will happen if u choose the other also...giving many precious things to be choose....really hurt...

U dun wan it to be more worse by didnt choose any....but...it became more worse since the pain only come back to u....finding the best answer which can bring a "good" n "happy" paths for ur life even more complicated...

I know...want or not...u need to choose..watever happen in the future is wat u choose for now... if u not choose u never know wat happen next...if u choose u will face more obstacles in ur life... maybe some paths is wrong or difficult for u but doesnt mean u need to give up...U choose it so u need to accept n correct it...dun afraid to take another step forward...u will experience it more onward...

Heartless

I guess being heartless is more easy than being step by others....it so hurt...the pains cant be explain out...

Maybe im too soft...Maybe im too kind...Maybe im too easy...Maybe im too slow...

Giving advice to someone not so easy...wishing it would be better..it getting worse huh...helping others also not so good as it seem...too much help..so annoying...people think u other way... didnt help also people look down on u....saying too rude...selfish or too ego or something...well that what human is... so unfair..cruel...mean...so am i...i didnt deny it..!!

Expecting that u can be a great frens....guess all no point...every each things that i did...never even reach to any heart....wishing someone can clearly understand n see me...but at the end still the same..im juz nothing....this heart juz like a toy ha...no feeling....can be play easily....go ahead...make fun of it...im emo fine...but...dun u ever feel emo too?

I'm tired...helping someone difficult..lastly the result that will come out is nothing...empty..such hopeless.... as u giving so much in that thing for them....but they didnt even realize u....looks down on u... n even seeing u as annoying...feel u so not helping...dun even hear wat u are saying...

Being in the middle is such a pain...plus wif someone being wif u coz of something they want...or juz for fun when they dun have another person or lonely....it like u a ugly toy...when there no more nice toys...u ar the last one to be pick..maybe not even be pick at all....

Hate when someone asked u for some comfort or maybe wanna ask ur opinion or hear ur story...but it like they the one talk from A to Z...wat the point asking if u wanna talk alone..go ahead...dun even think about other feelings...when u tried so hard to make them comfort..or happy..hoping that wat u say can help..or not a crap...but...they interfere...say this wrong n that wrong...dun even wanna listen...then say bad things to u....better dun even care to ask for help if u only think about urself...

Wanna be kind also hard...hope that people will understand wat i wanna show n give them...i wan them to realize i sincerely luv to help them if they need to...but..if u hate my help or feel annoys wif me..better dun start at all to seek my help...maybe some of my words or help is worthless.. not helping at all..but doesnt mean u need to be so cruel...saying bad things n suddenly left me behind like im a stone....i have feeling like u...same..juz the situation u had different than mine..maybe im not in ur place dunno how to help...yet...y u need to be so mean...

A little help i wish can reach to others heart...at least they see that im really willing to help as i can...i hate to see my frens or family suffering or hurt...i care...so much care...even u see me as a person that not like that also..but inside i really do care...wish them to be happy...even im hurt... as long they still my frens n family...even some of them not really like me or hate me or pretending...i cant change that...coz i know..im also like that....

Juz wish that others see deepest inside me....that i care even for single little things.... but i guess....wishing so much it will reflect back to u....Pain that no one see ur sincerely feeling...

Tension

it like so hurt when u fight wif ur frens or sibling...even relatives....but parent? it more than hurt...

it not like i wanna hurt them....but they not helping me at all....it so hurt that even when i askin them a lil help they dun wanna help....even i said it so important....still my dad dun wanna cooperate at all...my dad dun even say no..juz make sound hmmphhhfff...not ever....i was like...not at all wanna help me..in my assignment final...i wan better mark...n i got exams...so stress....

for my mom...so stress....i know she cant act...but juz a lil hope i wish can get from her...tmrw is mother's day...i really hope she can understand me....i really hope she the one can help me at least...but...she cant even wanna tolerate...i know she too sleepy n tired after went back from my grandma house n my relatives house...but then...i really wish for a lil mins can lend a hand for me...but...all i get fighting n arguing wif her...she not cooperate at all....my heart broken so much...

but i cant say no n quit the assignment...i feel really guilty if i not finish it...i had promise...n there some people waiting for me with a hope to finish it.....now i feel like in the middle of the one thread to crossing to another....so pain...

i hope my mom can cooperate for tmrw...at least get 1 min enuff for me....i wanna cry n shout...even my parent dun wanna help me at last min...wish my mom can be a good actor..i luv her...but..it too hurt that i argued wif her n hurt her....when i know tmrw is the mother's day...cant imagine how guilty i am...but i wanna finish my assignment...T^T

mom forgive me...didnt mean to hurt u....i luv you so much that i appreciate every single things u did n sacrificed for me....thank u...juz this moment..i feel like...u dun wanna help me when i need u...feel like a lil bit piss off.....maybe u juz too tired of me making so much things that put so much weight on ur shoulders....sorry...i juz hope i can do better next time...

"HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL MOM IN THE WORLD".....

luv ya mom...u ar everything to me....thank u so much for everything....

Power or Lower?

hurmmmm....I said words can hurt people...even hiding words can hurt people too... that y a secret never reveal..once it reveal...the viruses spread easily n hurt other people...

I cant said n express my pains easily...Im too coward n shy to let people knows wat in my heart...maybe through mouth is juz too hard for me....maybe type...writing or keeping is better...

I made blog for confessing the truth inside of me...I want people to read...but I dun mean to hurt anyone...maybe im juz too harsh...for this time...but i tried to protect myself from being bullied over n over again...only them who already had this kind of experiences knows how it feel like...i hate that kind of feeling n situation...the pain of keeping it all by urself...no power to fight it back...alone n lonely...no one can understand truly inside of u...haunted by sorrow n scars...

one of my fren realize that we need to be show off n let people see our abilities...tell others our strong side...let people see how wonderful u are....brag about urself...then only people put their eyes on u...come to u...respect u...but she still doesnt agree wif that...same to me....i still stick wif my opinion...that not all power can give wat u want....even all people know that u cant bring money n power to ur grave...but love? it follow u forever....that y all this time i try to make myself low profile...so that i knew where i came from n never see success things only in my life but learn about failing n never give up also...try to understand n feel the way this life is...follow wat my heart told me...

But...in the same time...I lie to myself...it true that love is the most powerful things in our life...it is good to be less profile....be low as the way u ar....try to be urself n dun fake the things that u do...dun care about those people that feel so high status n see u low...always keep ur strong spirit...u can be like them..no need to show off....

Know wat...it all juz to comfort me by saying that...coz the truth that i see now very hurt me...each days...I saw power is taking place all over the world....everytime u try to be low....someone take an advantages on u....everytime u being low... people step on u...everytime u try to make urself success without show ur negative side...people try to fail u...im not saying this coz im not satisfy it happen to me...but we can see it surround us...it is life nowdays...

Sometime...I always asked myself...shud I need to show off?shud I need to be greater n show wat I can do....shud I take advantages on people also?shud I make those who hurt me feel the same as I am?

NO....the answer still no...from before till now...I admit...Im so hurt but I learn to accept the fact...I still learn to be low...even like I said...this time now..maybe power rules...but...who knows...one day...some miracles will happen...n I never give up on believing it...even every bad things that u do will get repay back...maybe now not ur time...maybe in the future u will see urself so successful without using ur power juz to bully or use people to make ur life better...

I try to be considered to all the things that I do...y I dun wanna be more powerful coz I know no one is so powerful that they can change everything in their life..beside I dun want taking advantages to those who love n respect me and use them for my own good...I luv being low profile as I enjoying my life...Use my power only for the time that I need to....In this case....I try to be low so that I dun wanna hurt anyone that I love around me...they precious to me that they create a new chapter in my life...

"What for using people with ur power as they the one make u go higher...."

Reflection In Me

I want to tell....I want to express ...I want to confess....But my heart juz keep on stopping it...

It hurt....pain....scars remaining....so much that I'm tired of it....feeling like giving up everything but still have sumthin that make me change my mind....

I guess im still a weak person from before who cant even help others...sometime it juz too hurt to think when u try to be d best in front of others n the final result is....u still nothing...

Since before...I tried to give all of me in wat i do...maybe not all but at least half or a lil of help from me to others....I want people to realize that im exist in front of them...i dun wanna be popular or want attention from others...but juz some eyes that see the real me is enough...

I feel guilty...when i tried to help someone in need...yet...im so noob n cant even help...always made others angry n not satisfy wif me...i do....i do want so much lend a hand for them...but this person juz not good enuff...

This heart juz cant stand it....when i start to be more hardwork in sumthin n show them i can do it...lastly it remain the same...n people still seeing me in low profile...it hurt that everytime things gonna work out n suddenly it destroy at last minute....it like ur heart stop beating at the same time...n people keep far away from u...thought u ar so helpless....

It pain that i need to accept the truth....I still nothing n cant even show others wat i have....other people seem to be more greater than me that made me shrinking myself...i cant be who i am anymore...i lied to myself....i scare to prove that im good also....fear that people feel annoy wif me n slowly begin to go away from me...I admit that im too coward to take the step...Maybe coz so much betrays...pains n scars that I received made me push away the real me so that I will be less hurt...maybe....n maybe that wat I feel....

"Afraid of my own tears....Keep the Fake me on lingers"

Something to Express

Lately...I feel really down...Far from wat I imagine...not only down...it hurt...I am emo...I know...but not dramatic emo....so much annoying...NO...Im emo...but I dun disturb people...so I dun care wat others saying...If u hate me...go ahead...but only one thing I know...that I dun care...make anything to me...I maybe dun like u..but im lazy to fight wif u...coz even i dun like some people or some things....I hate arguing or fighting for sumthin that I dun feel like it...I dun ruin ur life...so dun interfere mine...

I hate when people suddenly annoys me wif their high status or think them so pro....so wat...I still can accept people bragging or joke bragging....coz that is one of people natural attitude...even I admit that I bragging also...but in this case it another thing which they brag in the same time made u piss off or hurt...dun even care about ur feeling...sometime brag too much that they make u feel like u so weak n cant even be like them...like only them so unique n different in this world...no one else can follow them...urghhhhhhhh plz...

All people have their own talents n weaknesses....accept the truth that even how great n wonderful u are...there are some weakness inside of u....u ar not perfect so dun act like u ar more than perfect...even im not perfect....u can mad n scold me...but u cant push the fact....

I feel more furious when it come to fighting over some ridiculous things...If u want anything or dun satisfy wif me over something that u want....say to me...dun talk behind me or making excuses to others that u ar not satisfy...plus...dun say bad things to others while I was IN FRONT OF u like I'm NOT even there wif u....I can hear n see u mumbling n bla bla bla about me..u think im stone beside u?I know maybe coz u want me to hear ur unsatisfy feelings n try to make me angry or say sumthin to u...if u wan to express it say to my face not to other peoples...im there beside u...dun be so coward....urghhhh~

I try to be nice to all people...I accept them for who they are.....Even got some of things that I dun like about them...I can take it coz even some people dun like something about me...I cant change people...only they can change themselves...so in this point...I juz want them to understand...plz accept other weaknesses...we maybe not very fantastic or cool as u are...but we have heart that need to consider...we are human...we learn from mistakes...dun hurt people feelings wif ur laser mouth...words can make things worse sometime...n can be hurt too...

Lastly....I didnt mean to hate or hurt someone...If wat I said above make some people feel uncomfortable...or not satisfy wif me....so sorry....plz forgive me...I juz wan to say wat I feel...didnt mean to attack someone...or make them sad...politely....so sorry again...I respect u as u respect the way I am... (^-^)

Unfulfilled Love

In this holiday time...I watched many animes...some of the animes really interesting...great plot n way of telling the story...there is one story i wanna share...it one of episode from this one anime...it very sad n painful...but full of sweet n warm love...it touched my heart...made me feel how strong the power of love...no matter wat happen...love will never fade away....

It about one guy...this guy can see spirit around him...can talk to spirit...since he was a kid... everyone scare n fear to get near him...even his family...everyone think he crazy coz talking alone even the truth is he trying to have a chat wif the spirits....he feel very angry n hate to himself... y he born that way..y cant he be normal human...who can live like other people....till he grown to teenager...he went to this lake....alone...as no one wanna fren wif him...he always lonely n sadly person...suddenly one spirit/ghost....a girl...come near him...actually this spirit girl already stalker him for a long time since he always came to the lake to comfort himself from pain....but this time the spirit girl bravely walk to the guy..wanna have chat wif him...coz she already fell in love wif him at the first sight...unfortunately...the guy full of hatred inside him..angry n coldly saying to the girl that "wat u want...u a spirit...juz go away"...coz in his heart...he mad at spirit/ghost all this time coz make his life miserable....but the girl juz sitting beside him trying to comfort him...day by day..time by time...these two getting along so close...in the mean time...they fell in love wif each others...but didnt confess their feeling yet...they so happy n enjoy the time together....as the guy forgot about the pain inside him all this time...he realize that he luv being wif spirit..she is calm...warm n pretty girl....always comfort him...made him cheer up whenever he sad....if can...he only wanna be wif the girl for the rest of his life....

Unfortunately....his heart broken into pieces....coz when he step in his adult world...he realize that he cant see spirit anymore...forever his life...all the spirits that he usually see n getting numb coz of them vanish....not even one he can see...not even a flash...or blurry image of them...

now the wish that he want from before become real...no more annoying n disturbing spirit as he can see only human now...but...as he fear the only thing he dun wanna disappear from his life...he ran as fast as he can to the lake where he usually met the girl spirit...reached there but no spirits he can see...not even a shadow of the girl he luv...poor thing is the girl already standing near to him wif full of smile n greet him...but for him..he juz shouting the girl name n begin to crying that he cant even feel the girl...the girl now realize that the guy no longer can see her anymore...not at all..even cant sense her near him...the girl tried to hug the guy...but juz like invincible...she cant touch the guy anymore like before...the guy said that he wanna see the girl...he dun wan her to vanish...the only he hope for now n forever...

Each n every single day running...but the guy still coming to the lake...wishing the girl will appear once again...he juz sit near the lake..waiting n waiting...n the spirit girl always sit near him but juz he dun realize it...it also a pain for the girl..that the one she luv cant see her at all...the guy also still hoping for a miracle...at least he want meet the girl maybe for one last time...coz after many years past...the guy still not forgetting the girl...he endure his pain for long time...feel so torturing that the goodbye between he n her juz like that...now...after suffering for long time...he met new girl that give him happiness n wake him up from all those sadness....he wanna marry the girl in three days later...that y...he only last wish that he can meet the spirit girl for one last time...wanna have chat wif her...wanna tell her wat he feel all this time...the spirit girl already knew he wanna marry someone...sooner...it is a hurt fact for her...but still she wish for the guy happiness....she only want him to have better life...but in her heart...he wanna meet the guy also for last time...but how?....

The guy saying that tomorrow is his last day that he will step to the lake....expecting that the girl heard him n appear one more time in front of him for tomorrow...the spirit girl feel more hurt...that she knew it will be last time...forever between she n him...she really wish to meet him..no matter in wat way...she knew there is a way...that she must change to fireflies...her original form...but once she change to fireflies...she no longer can change to human spirit form...n her life will be danger n soon she will die...strong love of her didnt change or fear her to do it...so she take that only way...sacrificing herself...care about him so much....there is no reason for her to live if the guy no longer can be wif her...beside she let him go so that he can create happy family wif his human wife..coz she knew she a spirit that cant give him a real family life like human do...then she sadly change herself to fireflies....

The guy came to the lake for the last time wif his future wife...always hoping for one more time...please meet him...Then...one fireflies appear in front of him...bright...warm...n shining so happily...trying to say something to him...after that the fireflies fly away along wif another fireflies....as for the guy...he knew that was her...the spirit girl once he love n spent the sweetest moment of his life together....he so happy that his wish granted...even she in fireflies form...he knew it really her..coz before...he said to the spirit girl...that he wanna watch fireflies wif her at night at the lake...enjoying the time wif her...now his surrounding full of fireflies as the girl wish n congrat for the guy marriage...want him to live happy life...even she cant be wif the guy...no longer can feel him...no longer can see him...no longer can spend any more of the times wif him...even death awaits her...but the only thing left...her love for him will never die n fade away...forever...the sacrifice is worth...that she never regret for loving that guy wif all her heart....as the guy was precious person to her...

really awesome n touching story...not so complicated..simple but well done...how wonderful love is...even many challenges come...we should never give up on love or hope....give our best if we really mean to do it or to love someone...~

~Don't U Feel Shame?"

Urmmmm...how shud i start....ohh well...who care...i will juz say it...i mean type it...=.="

wat happen to this humanity..??arent u feel pity for animals?wat did they do to u till u kill them wif cruelty of urs...!!y u put ur blame on those poor animals...i know some of the animals are aggressive...but...wat they know...maybe they protecting themselves or their family...or maybe have something wrong....still...y u torture them like this world have no sympathy at all...

i hate this kind of people who dun even respect animals...those animals give u a FOOD...n HELPING u in human resources...dun they help u decreasing weight on ur shoulder...some of them can be ur lovely pet....how innocent they are compare to urs!!those animals have feelings also...they so pity...even they cant speak to u but they do understand u....dun u have heart?well u have BUT....no feelings at all...!!

know wat...i watched some videos of this evil n maniac....more straight forward...stupid/dumb/fool/idiot people who torture n kill the animals like the animals is a toy for them to satisfy their fun feeling....damn them...!! wat if the animals toying u around like that...do u like it?? do u REALLY like it?do u wan to feel how it is like to be in their position?!

dun u have manners?GOD created human wif full of feelings...to different shape good or bad things...a brain for u to think...not a brain for u to fooling...stupid of u....no shame at all...is it so nice to show wat u did to all people in this world...how monster u are...ohh no..maybe how DEMON u are...!!u cant even be call as a human not even a person...u more worse/terrible/horrible than those animals...ohh wait....better put this way....U NOT EVEN WORTH TO BE CALL A LIVING THING....!!

We live in this world with unity...human..animals...plants...maybe some mysterious living things...even non living things...if u destroy animals...juz imagine...without them..this place will be lonely...we juz see same thing each day....even now also..some of the animals nearly extinct...

please plant humanity inside of u...wat is ur problems by killing them wif no reasons....if they can curse u or genius to have brain as human...maybe they will treat u more worse ever than the way u treat them....i juz wish..we can live happily....this world not only u who live on it...everyone n everything have rite to live in their way....if they dun disturb u...y shud u? they done nothin wrong...if one day u in horrible time...and that time...this animals who u torture help u...save ur life....dun u feel really shame to urself...?

It worth even a single good and sincere things that u did to animals...sooner or later...u will get repay back....they appreciate n respect u as the way u did the same to them....even got many people live wif animals from before till now...no matter where...at least they trust n helping each others...y cant u?

"I admit it that sometime I pity on animal more than human..."

~Once before~

I still in my holiday mode...it kinda boring...though this is wat i want all this time...to have a time for resting..calm n fresh...but...so meaningless...im doin nothin...so horrible...im like vampire sleep so late n wake up in the evening...so worse but i need to admit it...i really luv my net line on midnight...it so fast compare to evening...geez..like turtle only....

Since i have nothin to do...i remember one thing...i luv the most....of coz drawing...it like for 1 year i didnt draw wat i luv...mostly i drew for my assignments....it like no point...that wat i wanna study but now i forget how to draw wat i luv n from my heart...

Yesterday i started to draw anime again...it feel like my whole life full of meaning n interesting..as i draw from deep of my heart...it feel comfort n something different...the most part that i wanna be in...n enjoy it...i feel like myself again like before....i looked back my old drawings....i missed so much...plus it gave me a bit inspiration....to make me wanna draw more....ohohoho...

I scare to draw yesterday...i scare that i cant draw like before...i scare my skill decrease...or vanish...coz i hardly move my hand...i scare when i see blank paper...i scare that i will never be good as before...But...soon i started to draw...n i finished it....it like....i feel so appreciate n proud to myself...i still can draw like i did before...my skill still there...well...like people always said...everything that u do from ur heart sincerely...the things will be precious....no matter how it looks like...if it from ur heart n u put all of ur feelings in it...it will be something meaningful...i believe that....

Here some of my old drawings....juz some spirit for me to move on in drawing...It not so perfect drawings...got some mistakes in it..but i enjoy drawing it...ehehe...XD

Thank You Mom

Today...i went out...searching for my mom present...as for tomorrow....her burday coming... thanks to my fren..Shahirah..for company me looking for present....im sorry coz take ur time so much...im too choosy when it come to buy sumthin precious....

I know...maybe my mom already knows y i went out today...it not like it obviously show...but...well....urmm...my mom a bit genius about find the truth...sigh...very difficult to keep a secret from her...still i tried to act as great as i can....

I wanna buy sumthin meaningful to my mom...but i dunno wat...sumthin that she can bring along or remember always....firstly i think about buying a dining set...as my mom said she want new set...but then...i cant find any nice one...so i change to buying a shirt..she can wear always...but no suit shirt also...then i wanna buy her maybe a gold silver bracelet...coz gold...i scare for her safety....well in this time now...many unexpected condition....too dangerous...if gold silver...maybe the safety % increase....ohohoohooh.....BUT...still...i cant decide...coz last mins...i think about buying her a watch...coz...she can wear it frequently....and when she stare at the watch...make her remember me n my sis...for the present on her b'day....well...as people say...that we shud buy sumthin meaningful that make the person always remember of us when they look at our gift...so that wat come to my mind...

I hope my mom luv the present....coz this is my first time buying her an expensive present since before...i bought her juz sumthin that i can afford...lol...but i think the most precious present for all mom in this world is that her children remember about her burday...isnt it?i admit it also that some mom luv gifts more...lol....

i wanna thanks my mom so much for taking care of me...luv me as much as she can...protect me...helping me whenever i need someone...be my shoulder everytime i feel depressed...n every single things that she sacrificed to make my life full of happiness....everyone in this world express their luv to their mom in many ways...so maybe i wish...this luv reach to my mom...as i can say...my mom always be there for me...n u're the best mom in my life....i appreciate everything that u did to me....luv ya forever mom...!! may GOD bless u...n may all ur dreams come true...!!

HAPPY BURDAY MOM...!! LUV YA...!!

Holiday

well...it holiday now for me...yesterday was my last exam for foundation...time move so fast..now i will move to degree...but...i feel something uncomfortable....maybe im scare of my marks later...well if my marks drop..how can i choose my fav course....sigh~

beside...i need to apply for loan also...hurmmm...im not that rich to pay straight away...plus...dun wanna troubles my parent anymore..

this is life...sometime happy...sometime sad...but we never try to appreciate everything...same to me...i always blame on something when i in harsh position or something trouble me...everyone did that...put ur weight on others...coz dun wanna pain go through u...unfortunately...it always come to u...no matter how hard or how genius u ar to push it back...

i admit is...past year...it been horrible year for me...but it is some memories already been created by me...in those terrible times we learn to manage our life forward....

this year....it still new...so...no comment for now...but still harsh n challenging time never left u...i will try my best...i dun wanna put so much hope in this year....but try my best to the end...

in this holiday....hope my frens enjoy n have a great holiday....wish them happy....luv ya guys... n luv my family too...i will create something meaningful in this holiday...i will try...though it seem boring for starting...sighhhhhhhhhhh~

~True story about Hurt~

"As I hope that i will never be in hurt position...But i know it is impossible for me to stop it from flows to me...As I realize this is the First Hurt that I feel the scars left forever...Among the others..this is the most horrible hurt i ever get..."

This is a story about...well honestly...it is me...story about game world..maybe for some people it juz simple n ridiculous things..juz for a game i feel so hurt?..it is..coz it not juz a game..it about luv for frens..a sweet relationship..i told this story to some of my frens n family....n i appreciate that they at least lend their ears to hear it....thanks...

It happen 4 years ago....as i play a game call wonderland online...it still exist till now...i still luv the game...coz of that incident...i hate to play it...wat i know is...i juz luv to play it before...as it cheer me up...my cousin gave the game to me....it is awesome...but..there is a story inside that game...between this two sweet frens...as i easily get bored...i walked around in the game...search sumthin to make me feel fun...then come this one guy...suddenly greet me...at first time..i was like...wat??i juz lazy to chat..usually im talkative in game...but that day a bit moody...he keep chatting as his hand dun feel tired at all from typing..=.="

At the end...he add me as fren...i juz approved it since...i wan more fren....at first time...i dun like him..coz he wayyyyyyyy too disturbing...annoying....everytime i on...always buzz me...geez he no life at all...obviously can see he new in there n have no fren yet..so im the one his first fren that can be chat..or a bit frenly…it really annoys me at first sight…I think about..wanna delete him as fren…BUT…as time goes by…I found that he is interesting…caring n loving…so frenly..always helping others…n I feel comfortable wif him…everytime I on…I always go play wif him..chat..it like in that game we ar the happiest people ever….whenever I have probs…he help me…we helping each other….he even creating a guild(which is a team u go for war in game) for me….coz I asked him before y dun he create a guild..then he created one now…I feel weird y creating guild suddenly if he dun feel like one…he said coz of me…n he wan me to be his partner in the guild…im so happy…he really a sweet fren in game…

Unfortunately…whenever calm reach us..always be a storm after that..I cant on the game…coz have errors…I feel so sad cant play wif him…he even waited for me to on…yet I still not on…after like 4 months..I can on back…I feel so excited n happy…I wish he still play…n my wish come true..he is still there…I chat wif him…but he dun seem like the one I know before…he change a bit…he too quiet…n always busy..when I asked him y he like that…he said coz of me…coz I not on for long time..he have no frens…I know he have some…but he said he feel more comfort wif me..in that time I feel like…so appreciated…happy…he still think about me…then after that we play like we used to be before…but…it doesn’t feel like we used to be before…he so quiet…n he seem busy always…seldom play wif me…if I call him..he come..but juz like no feeling at all…

In that year I played…it was the year im taking my biggest exam in my life that my marks will effect which university I will go on study…so I need to stop playing n study…for the exam…again…I need to be separate wif him…like the 4 months before…I told him…I will not be in game for 2 months…then I will on again later…he was like…a bit sad…but he dun even seem like care anymore…he do but not so much like before…I asked him a request…that in that 2 months..i hope he will send me many msg in my inbox…so when I on back..i can read all his msg…which mean I hope that he always remember me…coz I dun wan him to change like after the 4 months..after that day….i stop played…then continue study..exams…

20 Nov 2008….I still in my exams time..but that day dun have exam..im so lucky coz that day also my burday…so I wanna on the game awhile..juz for awhile to meet him…see if he send me any msg..coz it my burday…at least..meet him will be a burday gift for me..i feel so excited n happy that can meet him again…BUT…when I on…he not on…im searching for him..if he on his other chacs...but he not..i met his sis in game…I know his sis…his sis is luvly…n kind…I asked her…where her bro..then she said…he not play so much anymore the game..i shocked…I understand that..maybe he busy…in real life…I didn’t force him to play always…but then…it was horrible day ever…he not on…n the most shocked me is that he dun even send me any msg since I was gone in that 1 month and half…no msg at all from him in my box…”not even one…”…n his guild…im not the one his partner anymore…I was like..juz a member in the guild…n it like he totally ignore me…it kind of hurt…the one I hope the most can make me happy in my burday time…it like completely forgot me..

When i realize…do our frenship juz kind of LIE?wat we did together juz a memories to him?when he said he created guild for me…is it really coz of me?when he said he quiet coz of me…no frens at all…only me also a lie?...it hurt me…coz I trust him…he d one I feel like the game I play worth…coz I wish in game there will be someone can be a sweet n real fren of mine…but now…it all a lie…I was like…offline the game…n juz continue my life…I cried that day…hardly sleep that nite…coz on my burday…we completely a stranger from before…I shud never met him in first place…I shud delete him that day from my sight..

Maybe this seem like normal for other people…im weird n crazy coz…this story not so tragic that can effect people to be so hurt…but for me is dif…coz this is my first time..i found sweet fren in game that can cheer my day…everyday..as my life so tension n stress..he d one change my mind….made me relax n calm…now all juz a memories..

Bitter memories..if that so normal…not so hurt…there is special story..continue from it..which…after that day…I dun even touch that game as I hate it so much…dun even care d game..But…obviously shown that I still do wanna meet him..asking where n y n wat happen to him..i still care even I hate him…I try to on…even I dun wan…I use excuses that I juz on the game to see wat new in the game…but in my heart..i wanna see him for at least last time…im so dumb…shud never on the game again…know wat happen?he change to pro game people in the game..as his level so high from before..n he DELETE me from fren…is this not hurt enuff? Delete?dun it seem like…completely vanishing me?am I that easy to him?juz a fren coming n a fren destroying?know wat?I definitely hate him so much as I couldn’t say by words that he totally nut..!!his sis said he seldom play…is lvl that high seem SELDOM play..?!from that day..i completely shut him from my mind n heart…I dun even wanna know about him…he die also I dun care…treated me that way…hurt me many times..im so HATE him..!

Want more hurt?i play the game again now..after 1 year n half..coz I curios to know about the game..not him anymore..n helping my cousin in the game….know wat again?when I enjoy selling things in the game…got one msg came…the msg showing… “ohh..u still play this game…still remember me?”…wat a life n wat a coincidence time..i was like DAMN..!...if I juz can say no…I dun remember u…who ar u STRANGER…!..but I cant…maybe im too kind…make me so dumb… I juz replied… "hye…yeah..” only that..coz i really dun wanna chat wif him..i was like..dun reply again..if u dun wan be in that position where I will kill u…but guess wat..he still replying…was like “I miss u…(with cute smiling icon)”…at that time..i juz wanna shoot him dead…NO..maybe torture him like hell..as if he can feel wat my heart feel those past 2 years..!!...i was like who miss u crazy…!!but still im too kind n soft..that I replied.. “owhhh…(and smile icon)”..then he not replied back..i was like so glad…if not I surely yell at him n tell him wat I feel..hurmmmm if I really can…I hate myself for not telling him the truth that I hate him now…I juz wishing maybe he reply sorry…or kind of..but no…such a person..heartless…then from that moment…I juz think him as a stranger…goodbye to him..and hello new life…

As for now…I played Blackoutro…the game I luv the most…coz..i had sweet family n frens inside there..still keep in touch like nearly 2 years now…so good n much better than him..i juz hope that this family will always be together wif me…they the one heal my heart…that change my mind…I still have reason to play games…for fun..n enjoy..also creating new relation…I know not all perfect..so maybe that juz some of my bitter memories…I kept it..so nothing will be the same again..

Im thinking about quiting online game forever..coz of my family in Blackoutro…I still continue play…thankies guys..luv ya….

Well..The end of my story that hurt me the most..At least story from deep in my heart..i wanna share…wif those who be in this kind of hurt position…it not juz game..from it..u can create some relationship..some people said it a game...frens inside it..then later ignore..forget...or wat wat...but i do have the prove it is not like u think..my game family till now in good relation...2 years..game brother in another game which i played 3 years before still keep in touch wif me now..dun this seem like game is good?at least it show from it u can learn new things..making new things...not juz for fun..got people who married after they meet each others in game n fall in luv.. that news doesnt change anything to u...?well for my opinion..games have advantages n disadvantages..only u shud know how to different shape it..dun judge it bad as u dun even try it...

(maybe im not satisfied yet...juz wanna plus some more...about him..coz i skip...or forgot to type...coz too much drama while typing...sigh~ ..first when we met..he lower lvl than me..so im the one pro than him..teach him many things...as like he my junior...after that 4 months...he more high lvl than me...second...after he creating the guild thing...n about no frens..only me he comfort wif...such a liar...he do have a LOT of frens..same country wif him...n even ignore me n busy juz to have fun wif his frens...more liar...!! third...about the miss2 thing...damn him..not even once he miss me..can see that...obviously...fourth...he completely forgot me after became pro gamer...n only frens wif high lvl people...fifth he younger than me one year..like my lil bro only...but treat me as his sis badly..damn him..!!...fuhhhhhh...done...totally all of it...he NUT..!!)

“Hurt cant be destroy same as sadness..it part of u…the one that teach u to be U now…accept it…as it can change to the most memorable n sweetest memories in ur life…”

Hurt?

wat u know about hurt?

some people say...only those who already experience it will understand deeply about hurt...but is it true?well majority is yes...can anyone say they not at all been effected by hurt feeling?not even for a little...?if have then that person is weird...impossible...

as we know..hurt is sumthin that we really dun wan it to be part of us...once u get hurt...the scars stick wif u....it hard to get rid of it...unless u had experience it a lot...u know how to endure n cover it....good for people that can be in that way..but most of people hard to be out of hurt...

do hurt effect u so much?

for me it is....i dunno about others....but i know almost all people will be effected....hurt always be relate wif love....kind of....many of it come from love life....maybe not for couple...maybe for frens n family...or even can also be animals....plants....

hurt coz of love...betrayal...greedy...evil influences...and of coz much more....not all people easy to speak out their hurt feeling....they hide it....and begin to get stronger...n at the end...the limit blow...then some of them will think about end of their life or...get mental effect...or be quarantine alone...dun wan other to disturb...or changing in attitude...

Sadly Change

I know everyone change day by day..time by time...as this life goes on...from baby to elder...life changing...attitude..characteristic...social...economy n so on...

I scare those day will come...but i know...i cant stop it from changing...i know it is good and some can be bad...i hate to admit it...i hate changing...i know for some reason change can be the best thing in my life...but who knows...it can be the worse thing ever...well i cant destroy the fact....

some people told me dun change urself...keep the way u are...as u move on to university life...juz be who u are...dun get influence by others...example....if i dun like shopping...dun easily get attract by others asking u to go shopping often....i know...it still change a bit....from dislike to like shopping...it is change a bit of me...i know...but i admit it that it also the best...it a good change...at least from shopping i know some of knowledge about things...beside i also learn to go out..not only stay at home...i need to interact wif people...be in the position of crowd...know how to be independent...know how to be adventuring...so... change is good in here...it not mean if i change one thing it will change all of me...

Unfortunately....i still hate a bit changing...it is hurt to see people that we love change slowly..as time goes by...we completely dunno them anymore...at all...one by one of them change in front of me...but i didnt say that i not change a bit...i do change...same as them...but still inside of me i keep the one I am before....i dun wanna change that...

it is pain..so sad if u can imagine....one person say...dun change...always keep in touch wif me...dun forget me...keep anything i gave to u closely n wif love...n when u find new fren...or new life...always remember me...when u have time...we can go out together...enjoy the day....

BUT....at the end... they say they hurt seeing something be replace of their gift to me...hate seeing me wif new things...but wat wif them?? they cant hide the truth...they also have new things in life...have new things to love...have new interest....so to me....

they say they hate n disappointed if i luv my new frens gift more than their gift to me....

BUT...will i ask them if they DUN luv the gift that their new frens gave to them??? can u 100% say u hate the gift that ur NEW fren gave to u??no rite...? RIGHT? as u know...deep inside me...watever gift that i get from my frens n family...for ur information...as u can know.... i still keep it till now...in my closet..or beside me as i sleep together...doesnt mean if i play more or carry my new frens gift always mean i hate ur gift or ignore or throw ur gift already....i KEEP it...coz i still LOVE it...as it from my FREN....that i CARE about...plz....as u said im always childish thinking...dun THIS seem immature to u now??who the one not yet mature now?

I luv my fren...i luv my family...i luv whoever love me sincerely....i keep everything that i luv in my heart...doesnt mean i didnt show it...i will ignore or push it away...i know im not perfect enuff to be perfect fren that can make perfect things to make u feel perfect...coz i am human that can never be perfect as in this world no one perfect....all people have weakness...disadvantages...

plz dun run from it....it is part of u....so i wan change to sumthing good...but i still be who i am... if u say im change...maybe a bit...as the surrounding effect me..but same to u....doenst this atmosphere change u?

STILL..i hate change since before...but...now...some changes is good to me....for some reasons..

"Does not mean I change one thing from me can change completely all of me..."

New Tears

again...and again...i didnt update blog so often...i only remember about blog when im in sad condition...as blog can make me release my feeling...i cant speak it out...so maybe type better...

im easily feel sad..or hurt...lately...im not like im used to be before...full of confident n spirit...now im obviously not myself anymore...im not me that i want before...i know this seem bored n crazy to anyone who read this coz i always repeat the same thing which always sad..hurt..pain...or wat wat....but we all have heart...at least i know that i can feel hurt...that i can be hurt...that i can hurt someone...that wat i think..all people deserve to speak wat in their heart...
maybe not physically maybe through this..not all people have that kind of courage...like me...i scare to let sumthin out to other people...it like...so burn inside..yet...still im so hard like stone to say...speechless...i want to..i do...really really want so much to tell people wat i feel now...or from before...but i cant...all this time i juz show it through my drawings...listening to music n playing piano...only my drawing n piano understand the deep within me.... maybe wif those i can be myself once...i know im drawing from my heart...that y i luv drawing...n the reason i wanna draw...and also wif piano..whenever i play...it follow wat my heart flow to...make my hand move freely as i be in the music...it calm n cheering....

different people..different way to release their feeling...but only one thing i know is...everyone want something to hear wat they wanna say or place to express it...as for people...they do understand outside but not inside...they comfort us...but they cant heal inside...only our own self desire...that wat people try to search....find something that can be understand inside...but wat? same to me...human never get satisfy wif sumthin...all our life...we always search n looking for sumthin we want..we never stop until we give up completely or die...that wat people will do when they find no other way to solve their problems...i do feel the same...but i dun even think about die...i juz think about give up everything...sometime i asked myself...if i cant do this y shud i be in this world...im so lucky to be in this world but im easily give up on sumthin....i tried from before to find sumthin that can wake me up from my dreams...help me to catch my dreams that i want...all this time i do wat i luv n wat i want..but not giving all of me...it like my body move it...but my soul flying somewhere...

I juz hope that maybe..or at least i can be myself...try to understand myself...have a great confident in myself...build something in myself different than before...let me once before out to take my place now...im tired...i really am...


"Even light always come to reach me..Yet still I'm the one will covered with tears.. Light dancing happily around me..But the one take control of me completely tears..."